2 poems separated by a page
1.
the expression the eyes
rather than my or your or our
as if we had only to open
two each morning
I awoke alone
terror slips absurd
now it is empty
drowsy and uneasy
2.
"I want to remember quotes not themes" she said
"Yeah" I said echoing
a yawning chasm
posted by Sturgeon General at 3:03 PM
6 Comments:
I understand this more now. You shouldn't think anything is obvious here. I see you playing with singularity and universality. I love 'rather than my or your or our.' Goddam anyone who thinks any of those are the 'answer.'
I found something just now written in a notebook from last year. I think the content is similar to yours - though the mood reflects a more energetic place.
Have you heard the latest truce?
The seas are open to all tramps
If you feel at loss for
anything
You ought not to feel so tied down
Life is fairest in the passing of
a day unspent on sacrifice
Sight is brightest in a cloudy sky
Do not feel burdened by the
glimpses of your better humor
It's only in temples that the world
is holy
at first glance, i want to get rid of some of the words that [i think] are superfluous. the version below is how i'd rewrite it, if it were mine. tell me what you think. also tell me if i'm way out of line butchering your poem.
--
the expression the eyes
rather than my or your or our
(I hold it dear to my heart)
as if the eyes were universal
as if we only had to open
two instead of billions
and I alone waking
to the feeling of nightmare
but forgetting the content
"I want to remember quotes not themes" she said
"Yeah" I said
--
Or, the really bare version:
the expression the eyes
rather than my or your or our
(I hold it dear to my heart)
as if the eyes were universal
as if we only had to open
two instead of billions
"I want to remember quotes not themes" she said
"Yeah" I said
i like your revisions; how about this:
the expression the eyes
rather than my or your or our
if we had only to open
two: less than billions
I woke alone now
then the content
absurd forgets terror
a structure drowsy and uneasy
the eyes rather
than my than your
than our we open
two: less and billions
I awoke alone
how terrible how
empty: drowsy and uneasy
hey this is MYSTERY girl numero UNO.....
you changed too much.
should just end the first stanza:
as if we only had to open two each morning
and sorry, but the second stanza must absolutely not take out the yawning chasm. it's wonderful. a yawn, simple and lazy, might be the thing that splits a world open and opens up the mouth of it. anyway thats what ive been thinking.
mystery lady makes a good point
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