Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Good Morning Fortune

Concerts, Spring '07

2/17 (sat): Apples in Stereo, Paradise Rock Club
2/26 (mon): Sparklehorse, Paradise Rock Club
3/1 (thurs): TV on the Radio, Lupos
3/10 (sat): Clinic, Middle East downstairs
3/30 (fri): Cold War Kids, Middle East downstairs
4/9 (mon): Walkmen, Avalon
5/9 (weds): Blonde Redhead, Paradise Rock Club
5/24 (thurs): Mice Parade, Middle East upstairs


Today I gave a fish a dollar. An hour later a suit asked if I had change for a dollar. He wanted to put money in the parking meter. I said I'd check my satchel. I had four quarters. He said thanks. He gave me two dollar bills and said "I'll give you two."

Philosophers are in the hall. Knowledge: but if a rock is thought a sheep, then justified true belief? And there's a sense "Do you know this" but "We're focused on alternatives" and "This is when we wonder if we're in the matrix." No one laughed. "We use it to tell some one to take our word for it, but we don't really talk about knowing things." Two voices over the copy machine.

Lucky Numbers: 9, 44, 67

Aristotle say "The brutish type is rarely found among men; it is found chiefly among foreigners."

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Payne

its real pain. not the kind of pain you feel when you lose someone you love. we are conscious of death. we understand. it happens. no, this is pain like no other. the pain felt when you realize something of the nature of people. the pain felt when you realize something of the nature of the world. this is real pain. something inside breaks. yet another hope that everything will be o.k. is destroyed. i never realized it before but now i see that this happens on some level for everyone. it is at this moment that we stop playing to win. from now on we play not to lose.

Tunguska

I was reading in Against the Day, and it describes this, which I just wikipedia'ed. Read this, consider it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tunguska_event

Monday, January 29, 2007

Haiku project



This is a short film I made last year, and I just realized today that nobody's ever seen it.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I just wanted

everyone to know about this site:
Woot!
It's a deal site, one "deal" per day - but the descriptions are also written really well - well, most of the time, that is.
It's good to know that not everyone is a capitalist whore - some choose instead to be capitalist working girls.
love, me

Friday, January 26, 2007

must love endings.

I'm dying to let it out. I'm dying. I can feign happiness and contentment but I feel like when these are faked real versions become less possible. I can't shake the notion that [insert cliche pronoun] would make it all worth it, all better. I try but I just can't shake the thought. What is it that you are looking for ben? How will you know when you find it? There is no memo straight from a heavenly fax machine saying "this is it." Despite my efforts the disillusionment is growing, festering, boiling, flowing over and out my mouth (or in this case fingers). How do I surrender without giving up? Someone asked me the other day what on earth I was doing here, on earth. I proceeded to lose my mind.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

short

they say stop asking the big questions; you'll never get an answer. so i says life is all about the big questions. that and the big mistakes.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Two fly from aural hypnosis

Leif and I shook. The rooms were kept cold, and we didn't have enough on. We were stopped to rest. I looked at him in the phosphorescent glow. He was pale, paler now than before, paler in the face than in the hands he was rubbing together and blowing into every now and then. Not feverish pale. It was a dry pallor, the kind you don't feel and only others see. His eyes shown out all the same.

They always did. "We have to get around this corner." He was looking ahead, rubbing his hands, and then he stopped. He turned to me questioning like to say 'Why aren't you rubbing your hands too? Aren't you cold?' Then he was ready. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," I replied. I said it sharp, and for a moment was surprised it didn't come out as quivering as I felt. "Let's go." So I followed him, we were walking fast crouched over. Though I didn't see the point in that: if they came they'd see us, crouched or not. Plaindressed bodies like ours, running through white corridors. Our footfall wasn't so loud as it seemed it should be. At least they wouldn't hear us before they saw us. We reached a corner and inched our pace to the edge.

He peeked, and then nodded, saying to himself silently that it was clear. He turned back to me again, over his shoulder. His eyes shown again through the deadcast pallor. He didn't say anything this time, but tugged my arm and quickened on.

The corridor seemed so long, as if it were an uphill slope. It wasn't really, but as we crouched on, half running, I felt the swell begin in my calves. The slow easing tight: I ran on my toes to keep up. Doctors taught me that when I hurt my ankle once. The walls crept by slower, it took us longer to reach the next corner. We reached it.

"Are you ok?" He had turned full around and his eyes gazed at me. I was breathing heavy but I was, I was ok. "I thought I heard you limping." He said it and his eyes looked scared, they hadn't been til he thought something might be wrong with me. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't get over that he'd heard the limp at all.

"We have to keep going," he explained, "Our only chance is if we keep pace like I said, and get lucky that nobody comes." I nodded, blinking, and gulped. He faced me a moment longer, his eyes said 'Are you sure you're ok' but he didn't. He turned to peek, looking both ways again before going.

I followed. His soles moved faster than my toes. I could hear the breathing in my head now, how it strained, how it was too much, how I wasn't going to make it. I knew the swell in my calves would trip me, it would be too much. I watched the marks and prints on the walls as we overtook them, one by one. His feet were further away, and then I felt it, I felt my cheek cringe and my eyes close and my shoulder softly thump on the tile. I looked up and he had turned and stopped and was above me.

"Honey-- oh no," he had said. He was breathing heavy too. He bent his face down to me. Compassion and urgency wrested his features into a contortion too helpless to behold. "You have to go," I whispered.

The area above his temples looked like it would sweat. "You have to," I said again. "They'll find me soon enough. They'll take care of me, get me to a bed-- please, don't let me stop you." I tried to look at him, but I saw he was still locked, caught by his duty. I shuddered. "You have to get out. I can try again in a few days, I just need more strength."

He was breathing again, slower. I saw the color of his eyes. He cupped his hand to my cheek, his lips parted, he spoke: "Joan, my love. We'll see each other soon." He rose, and the apprehension in me let go. He still had a chance.

Bounding, his legs like pistons, like the legs trains have, attached to the rims of wheels and heaving up and down with propellent motion he set flying on the ground. I lay still and felt the joy of another's triumph. I surged. I shouted after him "Your eyes, Leif! They can fill the air with whatever their noise, make you hear only sedated and numbing rote-- but they cannot spoil the air for your sight! Trust only with the color of your eyes!" He passed around the next corner as I said this. I let my body fall slack. I lay for a few minutes, and someone approached me from behind. Their voice asked calmly, but not without pedestrian concern:

"Have you fallen, miss?"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

More Nietz, and some blurbs

ON SELF-OVERCOMING

"Will to truth," you who are wisest call that which impels you and fills you with lust?

A will to the thinkability of all beings: this I call your will. You want to make all being thinkable, for you doubt with well-founded suspicion that it is already thinkable. But it shall yield and bend for you. Thus your will wants it. It shall become smooth and serve the spirit as its mirror and reflection. That is your whole will, you who are wisest: a will to power-- when you speak of good and evil too, and of valuations. You still want to create the world before which you can kneel: that is your ultimate hope and intoxication.

The unwise, of course, the people-- they are like a river on which a bark drifts; and in the bark sit the valuations, solemn and muffled up. Your will and your valuations you have placed on the river of becoming; and what the people believe to be good and evil, that betrays to me an ancient will to power.

It was you who are wisest who placed such guests in this bark and gave them pomp and proud names-- you and your dominant will. Now the river carries your bark further; it has to carry it. It avails nothing that the broken wave foams and angrily opposes the keel. Not the river is your danger and the end of your good and evil, you who are wisest, but that will itself, the will to power-- the unexhausted procreative will of life.

But to make you understand my word concerning good and evil, I shall now say to you my word concerning life and the nature of all the living.

I pursued the living; I walked the widest and the narrowest paths that I might know its nature. With a hundredfold mirror I still caught its glance when its mouth was closed, so that its eyes might speak to me. And its eyes spoke to me.

But wherever I found the living, there I heard also the speech on obedience. Whatever lives, obeys.

And this is the second point: he who cannot obey himself is commanded. That is the nature of the living.

This, however, is the third point that I heard: that commanding is harder than obeying; and not only because he who commands must carry the burden of all who obey, and because this burden may easily crush him. An experiment and hazard appeared to me to be in all commanding; and whenever the living commands, it hazards itself. Indeed, even when it commands itself, it must still pay for its commanding. It must become the judge, the avenger, and the victim of its own law. How does this happen? I asked myself. What persuades the living to obey and command, and to practice obedience even when it commands?

Hear, then, my word, you who are wisest. Test in all seriousness whether I have crawled into the very heart of life and into the roots of its heart.

Where I found the living, there I found the will to power; and even in the will of those who serve I found the will to be master.

That the weaker should serve the stronger, to that it is persuaded by its own will, which would be master over what is weaker still: this is the one pleasure it does not want to renounce. And as the smaller yields to the greater that it may have pleasure and power over the smallest, thus even the greatest still yields, and for the sake of power risks life. That is the yielding of the greatest: it is hazard and danger and casting dice for death.

And where men make sacrifices and serve and cast amorous glances, there too is the will to be master. Along stealthy paths the weaker steals into the castle and into the very heart of the more powerful-- and there steals power.

And life itself confided this secret to me: "Behold," it said, "I am that which must always overcome itself. Indeed, you call it a will to procreate or a drive to an end, to something higher, farther, more manifold: but all this is one, and one secret.

"Rather would I perish than forswear this; and verily, where there is perishing and a falling of leaves, behold, there life sacrifices itself-- for power. That I must be struggle and a becoming and an end and an opposition to ends-- alas, whoever guesses what is my will should also guess on what crooked paths it must proceed.

"Whatever I create and however much I love it-- soon I must oppose it and my love; thus my will wills it. And you too, lover of knowledge, are only a path and footprint of my will; verily, my will to power walks also on the heels of your will to truth.

"Indeed, the truth was not hit by him who shot at it with the word of the 'will to existence': that will does not exist. For, what does not exist cannot will; but what is in existence, how could that still want existence? Only where there is life is there also will: not will to life but-- thus I teach you-- will to power.

"There is much that life esteems more highly than life itself; but out of the esteeming itself speaks the will to power."

Thus life once taught me; and with this I shall yet solve the riddle of your heart, you who are wisest.

Verily, I say unto you: good and evil that are not transitory, do not exist. Driven on by themselves, they must overcome themselves again and again. With your values and words of good and evil you do violence when you value; and this is your hidden love and the splendor and trembling and overflowing of your soul. But a more violent force and a new overcoming grow out of your values and break egg and eggshell.

And whoever must be a creator in good and evil, verily, he must first be an annihilator and break values. Thus the highest evil belongs to the highest goodness: but this is creative.

Let us speak of this, you who are wisest, even if it be bad. Silence is worse; all truths kept silent become poisonous.

And may everything be broken that cannot brook our truths! There are yet many houses to be built!

Thus spoke Zarathustra.

BLURBS

Christ, did you know, (would you ever have even guessed?), that they would play Small Axe in a lobby of the Westin Hotel at Copley Plaza? It is played in a lobby that is hardly even used. Businessmen only here and there enter, and this song of upheaval is sung (hung) over empty shiny tiles, automatic revolving doors shuffling in air. And small wonder: tropical plants adorn the room. This too is a cruise ship. The revolving doors are emptying a family out onto the street, and the children wheel their own miniature suit(brief?)cases.

--

Deliberate vs. Elaborate

Novelists spend too long tracking small, fluttering creatures -- butterflies. Deliberate. Not deliberation: that is an act, and it has a nasty reputation. Elaboration is the same, for obvious reasons. Elaborate: 'out of labor'; either the demand that one say more and all too much, or the descriptor for things which have already undergone the process. Deliberate: we only know its injunction as 'be deliberate.' Without the prescript 'be', it implies that stifle, that stasis of all too much thought (which by transliterating elaboration becomes all too many words). I innovate the word: "deliberate," spoken forcefully by a schoolmaster to help the student thrust the knife into his despot. The master's knees buckle, he begins to slink at the middle, but he holds himself up by his arm, regaining a defeated balance. "Deliberate!" The thrust again, quicker than the first, the student now leaning hovering menacingly over the despot. The embattled mouth opens to utter once more, but before the word a final thrust impeaches. The master is dead, the room's air is no longer dogmatic. It is liberated, it is deliberate.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Some stuff I've been reading

Not really bearing direct relation to Adam's last poem, like I said in the comments I would try to do, but here's some stuff I've been looking at which I wanted to toss out. I'm mostly interested in writing that self-consciously generalizes about life and the human scene. Here's Byron in "Don Juan", Canto VII

When we know what all are, we must bewail us,
But nevertheless I hope it is no crime
To laugh at all things, for I wish to know
What after all are all things - but a show?
[...]

They accuse me - me - the present writer of
The present poem of - I know not what -
A tendency to undertake and scoff
All human power and virtue and that;
And this they say in language rather rough.
Good God! I wonder what they would be at!
I say no more than has been said in Dante's
Verse and by Solomon and by Cervantes,

By Swift, by Machiavel, by Rochefoucault,
By Fenelon, by Luther, by Plato,
By Tillofson and Wesley and Rousseau
Who knew this life was not worth a potato.
'Tis not their fault nor mine if this be so.
For my part, I pretend not to be Cato
Nor even Diogenes, We live and die,
But which is best, you know no more than I.

Socrates said our only knowledge was
'To know that nothing could be known,' a pleasant
Science enough, whch levels to an ass
Each man of wisdom, future, past, or present
Newton (that proverb of the mind) alas,
Declared, with all his grand discoveries recent,
That he himself felt only 'like a youth
Picking up shells by the the great ocean - Truth.'

Ecclesiastes said that all is vanity;
Most modern preachers say the same or show it
By their examples of true Christianity.
In short all know or very soon may know it;
And in this scene of all-confessed inanity,
By saint, by sage, by preacher, and by poet,
Must I restrain me through the fear of strife
From holding up the nothingness of life?

Dogs or men (for I flatter you in saying
That ye are dogs - your betters far), ye may
Read or read not what I am now essaying
To show ye what ye are in every way.
As little as the moon stops for the baying
Of wolves, will the bright Muse withdraw one ray
From out her skies. Then howl your idle wrath,
Whe she still silvers o'er your gloomy path!


Here's Han Shan (Cold Mountain), ancient Chinese hermit poet (translated by Red Pine):

Brothers share five districts
father and sons five states
to learn where the wild ducks fly
follow the white-hare banner
find a magic melon in your dreams
steal a sacred orange from the palace
far away from your native land
swim with fish in a stream
(Poem 13)

The new year ends a year of sorrow
spring finds everything fresh
mountain flowers laugh with green water
cliff trees dance with blue mist
bees and butterflies seem so happy
birds and fishes look lovelier still
the joy of companionship never ends
who can sleep psat dawn
(24)

Since I came to Cold Mountain
how many thousand years have passed
accepting my fate I fled to the woods
to dwell and gaze in freedom
no one visits the cliffs
forever hidden by clouds
soft graass serves as a mattress
my quilt is the dark blue sky
a boulder makes a fine pillow
Heaven and Earth can crumble and change
(26)

Who takes the Cold Mountain Road
takes a road that never ends
the rivers are long and piled with rocks
the streams are wide and choked with grass
it's not the rain that makes the moss slick
and it's not the wind that makes the pines moan
who can get past the tangles of the world
and sit with me in the clouds
(32)

They don't know all that much about Han Shan cept that he went up to this mountain, and seems to have both Buddhist and Daoist influences (most of those liberation-seeking types stuck to one or the other). What I think is interesting is how you can take the drift of those short poems, and see the idea magnified and made invective under the pen of Nietzsche. This is from Thus Spoke Zarathustra, tr. Walter Kaufmann (if you ever read Nietzsche, his are the best translations to read):

ON THE NEW IDOL

Somewhere there are still peoples and herds, but not where we live, my brothers: here there are states. State? What is that? Well then, open your ears to me, for now I shall speak to you about the death of peoples.

State is the name of the coldest of all cold monsters. Coldly it tells lies too; and this lie crawls out of its mouth: "I, the state, am the people." That is a lie! It was creators who created peoples and hung a faith and a love over them: thus they served life.

It is annihilators who set traps for the many and call them "state": they hang a sword and a hundred appetites over them.

Where there is still a people, it does not understand the state and hates it as the evil eye and the sin against customs and rights.

This sign I give you: every people speaks its tongue of good and evil, which the neighbor does not understand. It has invented its own language of customs and rights. But the state tells lies in all the tongues of good and evil; and whatever it says it lies- and whatever it has it has stolen. Everything about it is false; it bites with stolen teeth, and bites easily. Even its entrails are false. Confusion of tongues of good and evil: this sign I give you as the sign of the state. Verily, this sign signifies the will to death. Verily, it beckons to the preachers of death.

All-too-many are born: for the superfluous the state was invented.

Behold, how it lures them, the all-too-many- and how it devours them, chews them, and ruminates!

"On earth there is nothing greater than I: the ordering finger of God am I"- thus roars the monster. And it is not only the long-eared and shortsighted who sink to their knees. Alas, to you too, you great souls, it whispers its dark lies. Alas, it detects the rich hearts which like to squander themselves. Indeed, it detects you too, you vanquishers of the old god. You have grown weary with fighting, and now your weariness still serves the new idol. With heroes and honorable men it would surround itself, the new idol! It likes to bask in the sunshine of good consciences- the cold monster!

It will give you everything if you will adore it, this new idol: thus it buys the splendor of your virtues and the look of your proud eyes. It would use you as bait for the all-too-many.

Indeed, a hellish artifice was invented there, a horse of death, clattering in the finery of divine honors. Indeed, a dying for many was invented there, which praises itself as life: verily, a great service to all preachers of death!

State I call it where all drink poison, the good and the wicked; state, where all lose themeselves, the good and the wicked; state, where the slow suicide of all is called "life."

Behold the superfluous! They are always sick; they vomit their gall and call it a newspaper. They devour each other and cannot even digest themselves.

Behold the superfluous! They gather riches and become poorer with them. They want power and first the lever of power, much money- the impotent paupers!

Watch them clamber, these swift monkeys! They clamber over one at another and thus drag one another into the mud and the depth. They all want to get to the throne: that is their madness- as if happiness sat on the throne. Often mud sits on the throne- and often also the throne on mud. Mad they all appear to me, clambering monkeys and overardent. Foul smells their idol, the cold monster: foul they smell to me altogether, these idolators.

My brothers, do you want to suffocate in the fumes of their snouts and appetites? Rather break the windows and leap to freedom.

Escape from the bad smell! Escape form the idolatry of the superfluous!

Escape from the bad smell! Escape from the stream of these human sacrifices!

The earth is free even now for great souls. These are still many seats for the lonesome and the twosome, fanned by the fragrance of silent seas.

A free life is still free for great souls. Verily, whoever possesses little is possessed that much less: praised be a little poverty!

Only where the state ends, there begins the human being whoo is not superfulouous: there beigns the song of necessity, the unique and inimitable tune.

Where the state ends- look there, my brothers! Do you now see it, the rainbow and the bridges of the overman?

Thus spoke Zarathustra.

Ok, so this is abhorrent to anyone with a liberal sensibility. No one with a political conscience will take Nietzsche up here, or at least where he gets to calling people 'superfluous'. In the next section, Nietzsche writes "Where solitude ceases the market place begins." I think that summarizes his stance acutely. I don't want to comment on all of this too much. But I think these three writers are only standing at various distances from the same abyssinal view of things. For anyone interested in Deleuze, everything Nietzsche says here about 'preachers of death' is the same as what Deleuze will say. Nietzsche essentially takes Byron's 'holding up of nothingness' and Han Shan's flight to the hills and turns it into a philosophical symposium, treating all the approaches and all of the solutions in his own very biased, but deliberately polemical style. Anyway, this is long enough. Hope it was worth something.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

After Solaris

I watch a film with my friend Tyler,
himself a film student, and seconds after
it has ended we begin talking. It seems
the right thing to do, even though we
acknowledge that the best parts are when
we are left guessing—
standing out in an open field
the ground drops away,
birds fly up suddenly, a branch is
not there. Something like that.
We try to say it—you cannot not make
meaning—as with words,
a tree might
rot, or
fall, some kind of disturbance happening
as order, like life, full of separate
elements that rub up against one another
and aren’t sure whether to give
all of themselves, or none. They get
stuck in between—we keep talking—
things mix and I’ve turned serious, and I think
he’s just tired. I have a sudden urge
for wisdom—knowing it’s a long way off,
that I’m probably sitting right on top of it.
The kinds of worlds to which we have proximity
are our own,
and I wonder if he thinks that, or what
he thinks—
where he is, and who,
so I might go stand there,
adjacent scene in a movie,
and not resolve.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Win / Loss

A game is played
on an abstract field, each team
vying for what’s worth vying for.
Various moves are made, strategies
employed. A vendor in the stands
on the internet makes a sale. In the living room
a heart moves, in actuality
a man’s hopes, abstract, up in him
die, or soar. A film major
has caught it all
from one angle. The philosophers say
it’s fragmented, but this all
has one tremendous arc, written
in the black vault of stars,
I want to say. They keep on
reappearing, long after they’ve
not even gone. I wished, felt
things— destroyed because they could not,
in my lifetime, ever
be different. Fact is they are changing every day
but they are not. Fact is
a shelled creature moves across
the pavement. I would eat your shoe, or car
is how I feel right now, as lost or angry
as the fan who’s lost, whose team
huddles dejected, praying. What else can we do.
What else could we have done.